It's ok.

Sometimes you feel a bit lost in this enormous Universe. And then sometimes the Universe whispers, "Yeah, I see you. Here, have a little moment that reminds you that you are just as important as all of the other kajillion little moving parts that make up our entirety. It's ok, you're doing great. Enjoy that moment, it's on me."  And so you do, and you realize that a little trust, a little release does a lot. I'm enjoying my moment.

Ok, let's do this!

The header of this post would be great for a person preparing for a weight loss journey, or prepping for a marathon, or getting ready for a big interview for the job of your dreams. For me, its a bit less fun, but no less in need of enthusiasm. Tomorrow is 30 weeks pregnant for me, and today I found out that my pelvic condition can improve somewhat with the help of chiropractic or acupuncture care, but my insurance covers neither of these, and I am simply not in a financial state to be able to afford them. So, instead of getting down or depressed about this, I am choosing to move forward with what I know I need to do: be gentle with myself.

My condition is excessive loosening of the connective tissue in the pelvis. For those of you who were passing notes in Human Anatomy during high school and don't know where your own crotch is, here's a diagram:

See that symphysis pubis right there? That's a nice tough fibrocartilaginous disk, which is supposed to stay put through a normal pregnancy, with some give for labor and pressure of baby. Mine, on the other hand, is choosing to part ways and be moody, and is creating a nice big gap. A gap that makes the Sacroilliac joint (in the back, on either side of the sacrum) say, "WTF, ya'll?? You do realize you are making this difficult for us to hold our shit together, right?" Because obviously all of my pelvic joints are in committed relationships....

Anyways, this "pelvic instability" makes things interesting. And I don't mean interesting like I play 6 rounds of tennis and I'm a sore the next day. I mean I can't walk down the stairs in my own house without wanting to cry about halfway down. I can't sit without my knees glued together, because the pain catches up with me in about 10 seconds: a lightening bolt of sharp pain directly to the crotch. 

Sitting cross-legged is completely impossible. Driving is a pain (literally), because you don't realize that your feet are uneven when you are pressing the gas pedal until you try to get out of the car, and can't move for 5 minutes, waiting for the pain to subside. Putting on pants or socks becomes a nightmare. My husband just puts my socks on for me now. I have given up shaving my legs like a normal person, it now involves jackknifing my body in the shower so that my legs are both evenly propped up on the wall of the shower and I can very quickly skim them and get back up before I get stuck there forever. All of these little things have become part of my daily life. Getting out of bed is different. Sitting down is different. Standing too long is different. 

So in the light of my physical therapist telling me that I need to have a baby to feel better, I am choosing to try to find the good in all of this. I have 10 weeks to go. I want to have a healthy baby. I want to NOT kill/maim/irritate to death all the people around me with my problems. I am unable to do certain activities, but I can find other ones that are fun, too. Hiking is out, but crocheting is in. Yes, I will have cabin fever in the fall, my favorite season. But maybe I can find nice overlooks to visit within driving distance and enjoy the outdoors that way. I recently made a great winter hat for my son, maybe I can make some for my whole family. I'm not into TV too much, but reading is always good. I need to use my new serger to make more cloth diapers, so that will be good. (Although I have found that pressing the pedal has to be balanced with time standing to reduce the pain.) So yeah! Let's do this! Lets get through the next 10 weeks! I will try to write more, because I know that it will help my frustration. I can do this.

Protect your consciousness.

This week brought the news that Robin Williams has left this plane of existence, apparently by his own hand. While I was terribly sad at the loss, I was also hurt. Not mad at him for deciding that suicide is the way to end his pain, but sad because I felt such a connection with him through the movie What Dreams May Come, and because of that, I felt pain because of my belief about suicide.

I could spend days explaining the ins and outs of the book, What Dreams May Come, and why it impacts my beliefs, but I feel that if you want to know, you can read it for yourself. The movie is beautiful, but the book is perfect. The quote from it that catches in my throat is this:

“…They think of suicide as a quick route to oblivion, an escape. Far from it. It merely alters a person from one form to another. Nothing can destroy the spirit. Suicide only precipitates a darker continuation of the same conditions from which escape was sought. A condition under circumstances so much more painful.” 

While I do know that some people would consider this highly offensive, because it does seem to place blame on someone for killing themselves, I think simply ache for that person. I don't believe we are just gone, I don't believe in the immediate end of our existence. Matter cannot be destroyed, so why should our consciousness just go "poof!"? 

At the same time, know this: I am in NO way trying to convince others. I am simply saying that I mourn the loss of Robin William's existence on this plane, and hope that in the next, he finds more peace. He was brilliant in the sea of faces, and I know that sometimes brilliance can come with great weight. I don't blame him for trying to find relief. I just wish that relief on him, somewhere in time and space. 

I struggle with my own depressions, and I have been at depths that have felt impossible. I have always felt, though, that my consciousness is bigger than my emotions, something precious that is always, always worth protecting and nourishing, no matter what.