Thursday, August 28, 2014

It's ok.

Sometimes you feel a bit lost in this enormous Universe. And then sometimes the Universe whispers, "Yeah, I see you. Here, have a little moment that reminds you that you are just as important as all of the other kajillion little moving parts that make up our entirety. It's ok, you're doing great. Enjoy that moment, it's on me."  And so you do, and you realize that a little trust, a little release does a lot. I'm enjoying my moment.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Ok, let's do this!

The header of this post would be great for a person preparing for a weight loss journey, or prepping for a marathon, or getting ready for a big interview for the job of your dreams. For me, its a bit less fun, but no less in need of enthusiasm. Tomorrow is 30 weeks pregnant for me, and today I found out that my pelvic condition can improve somewhat with the help of chiropractic or acupuncture care, but my insurance covers neither of these, and I am simply not in a financial state to be able to afford them. So, instead of getting down or depressed about this, I am choosing to move forward with what I know I need to do: be gentle with myself.

My condition is excessive loosening of the connective tissue in the pelvis. For those of you who were passing notes in Human Anatomy during high school and don't know where your own crotch is, here's a diagram:

See that symphysis pubis right there? That's a nice tough fibrocartilaginous disk, which is supposed to stay put through a normal pregnancy, with some give for labor and pressure of baby. Mine, on the other hand, is choosing to part ways and be moody, and is creating a nice big gap. A gap that makes the Sacroilliac joint (in the back, on either side of the sacrum) say, "WTF, ya'll?? You do realize you are making this difficult for us to hold our shit together, right?" Because obviously all of my pelvic joints are in committed relationships....

Anyways, this "pelvic instability" makes things interesting. And I don't mean interesting like I play 6 rounds of tennis and I'm a sore the next day. I mean I can't walk down the stairs in my own house without wanting to cry about halfway down. I can't sit without my knees glued together, because the pain catches up with me in about 10 seconds: a lightening bolt of sharp pain directly to the crotch. 

Sitting cross-legged is completely impossible. Driving is a pain (literally), because you don't realize that your feet are uneven when you are pressing the gas pedal until you try to get out of the car, and can't move for 5 minutes, waiting for the pain to subside. Putting on pants or socks becomes a nightmare. My husband just puts my socks on for me now. I have given up shaving my legs like a normal person, it now involves jackknifing my body in the shower so that my legs are both evenly propped up on the wall of the shower and I can very quickly skim them and get back up before I get stuck there forever. All of these little things have become part of my daily life. Getting out of bed is different. Sitting down is different. Standing too long is different. 

So in the light of my physical therapist telling me that I need to have a baby to feel better, I am choosing to try to find the good in all of this. I have 10 weeks to go. I want to have a healthy baby. I want to NOT kill/maim/irritate to death all the people around me with my problems. I am unable to do certain activities, but I can find other ones that are fun, too. Hiking is out, but crocheting is in. Yes, I will have cabin fever in the fall, my favorite season. But maybe I can find nice overlooks to visit within driving distance and enjoy the outdoors that way. I recently made a great winter hat for my son, maybe I can make some for my whole family. I'm not into TV too much, but reading is always good. I need to use my new serger to make more cloth diapers, so that will be good. (Although I have found that pressing the pedal has to be balanced with time standing to reduce the pain.) So yeah! Let's do this! Lets get through the next 10 weeks! I will try to write more, because I know that it will help my frustration. I can do this.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Protect your consciousness.

This week brought the news that Robin Williams has left this plane of existence, apparently by his own hand. While I was terribly sad at the loss, I was also hurt. Not mad at him for deciding that suicide is the way to end his pain, but sad because I felt such a connection with him through the movie What Dreams May Come, and because of that, I felt pain because of my belief about suicide.

I could spend days explaining the ins and outs of the book, What Dreams May Come, and why it impacts my beliefs, but I feel that if you want to know, you can read it for yourself. The movie is beautiful, but the book is perfect. The quote from it that catches in my throat is this:

“…They think of suicide as a quick route to oblivion, an escape. Far from it. It merely alters a person from one form to another. Nothing can destroy the spirit. Suicide only precipitates a darker continuation of the same conditions from which escape was sought. A condition under circumstances so much more painful.” 

While I do know that some people would consider this highly offensive, because it does seem to place blame on someone for killing themselves, I think simply ache for that person. I don't believe we are just gone, I don't believe in the immediate end of our existence. Matter cannot be destroyed, so why should our consciousness just go "poof!"? 

At the same time, know this: I am in NO way trying to convince others. I am simply saying that I mourn the loss of Robin William's existence on this plane, and hope that in the next, he finds more peace. He was brilliant in the sea of faces, and I know that sometimes brilliance can come with great weight. I don't blame him for trying to find relief. I just wish that relief on him, somewhere in time and space. 

I struggle with my own depressions, and I have been at depths that have felt impossible. I have always felt, though, that my consciousness is bigger than my emotions, something precious that is always, always worth protecting and nourishing, no matter what. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

The whole bloody second trimester.

Hey. Its been the whole second trimester. I took advantage of more energy, less gagging, less miserable headcolds, etc, and got outside. I moved into a new house. I planted some flowers. I absorbed the sunshine. I loved on myself. And here I am on the threshold of the third trimester, and I dont want to leave. I cant believe its about to be August. I cant believe my baby is about to turn 3 in a month. I cant believe that fall is coming, and I'm going to have another baby, and all that. Its a whole lot of wishing to slow down the time. But such is life. I could try to list all of the wonderful things that have come with this summer, but instead, I'm just going to finish out this sunshine. I'm going to love this time. I'm going to be that glowing pregnant mama for a little while longer. And then WINTER IS COMING. Lol.


Friday, May 9, 2014

15 weeks

Well, its been a while, again. Meh. When you have my life, you seriously start to care very little about being a blogger super mom with perfect hair, and start to hope you can find clean pants on a daily basis. And mostly you don't, and have to wear yoga pants (which you never actually do yoga in) until you clean some pants, because you stupidly packed up all the other warm clothes you had for spring, and then it started snowing again, just for the hell of it. (Just a note: I love awesome run-on sentences. They rock.)

So here I am, in (seriously comfortable) yoga pants, stalling on laundry because damn it, kids go through so many pairs of clothes. And its PJ Day at school tomorrow, and Ella wants ALL of her PJ's cleaned because she needs choices. Well, tough. You get one pair cleaned today, because I am also washing my pants today. 

My son is also generating enough clothing to outfit a small country in underwear, because he is potty training, and he keeps saying, "In minute, mama!" when I ask him to go. He is perfectly capable of going by himself, but he thinks he has more important battles with his Lego guys, and so he stalls too long, and then comes to tell me he was wet his Ironman/Thor/Superman/Green Lantern/Spiderman/Batman underwear, and needs new ones. When he does actually get around to breaking up his epic battles and going to the bathroom, he usually falls off the stool and screams that he needs me to come pick him up and set him right again. Reminds me of that episode in The Office when Michael grills his foot in a George Foreman grill and falls off the toilet. I laugh so much around here. 

I have hit 15 weeks pregnant, which means the baby is the size of a Hass Avocado, only not as green. I have also gained a total of -2 lb. Yep. I've lost weight. I think it might be that I cant seem to consume dinner any more. Not my fault. It's just that dinner, unless consisting of incredibly fatty garlic mashed potatoes (a no-no in our house) is completely unappetizing. So I make them anyways. I also have taken to making enormous smoothies with handfuls of fruit, whole fat plain yogurt, and almond milk. (And also my prenatals dumped in, because I can't swallow pills at all right now.) It's the first time in my life when I have actively been trying to gain weight, and its a weird feeling. I eat all day long, and still feel like I have an empty pit in my stomach. Its a little defeating, actually. I wish I could feel full once in a while, preferably at 2 am when I really don't want to go down to the frigid kitchen and make a snack. 

In other developments, I now have a bladder the size of a thimble. It doesn't discriminate, it has to go all the damn time, day or night. I am also extremely thirsty and have a few Nalgenes floating around me at all times, which makes the bathroom the most visited place in my home. I really wish I had a more comfortable toilet. Why don't they design them with comfort in mind???

I am also the proud mama to 17 baby chicks that are living in my dining room. They need to be inside for a month or so, and they are adorable, poop a lot, and are trying to eat each other's toes off. Lots of indignant peeping going on all the damn time. I love them. I did lose 3 in the first 24 hrs, but that's a good loss rate, honestly. Two died in transit, and one just really wasn't doing well when they arrived, despite my best efforts.The rest look amazing. We have a few named: Peckles, Cocoa Puff, the Gabor sisters, and Sunshine. The rest are probably going to acquire names eventually, since my hubby (deep down) really loves chickens and will probably end up coddling them half to death. 

Anyways, life is chasing me down, telling me I have things to do. See ya!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Milk Busy

It has been an interesting week. All I can really say is that allergies are kicking my ass, hubby and I have decided to go sugar free to help our health, kids are exhausting, and baby bunnies are a lot of work. Here are a few pics to show you what's up:

If I was supposed to call you, email you or do something I completely forgot about, this is why. I am not myself right now. I am very, very tired.

Thursday, April 3, 2014


Baby is 10 weeks today and the size of a kumquat. Between week 9 and 10, I managed to get a really bad head cold, so I have been a wreck, snot flowing freely. Allergies didn't go away either, so now the cold is over, but the snot continues, but I am feeling better. Meh. Other than a gross nose, I don't feel too bad, honestly. I have some food aversions, but not the kind I had last pregnancy. I can still eat peppers. I am craving tart fruits, and love dried mango right now. I'm struggling to get my prenatals down, and the hemp oil I take, thanks to their huge size, but I'm still managing.

Ella has been gone this week on spring break, which has left Leif feeling lonely. We have also been dealing with rain and snow, so we have been trapped in our cabin, which is tough for a little man.

I had another ultrasound this week, and got to see baby moving arms and legs, which was so fantastic. I may not feel particularly pregnant (more of a allergy snot ball) but it felt good to see that baby is doing great. We also did the whole blood work, urine testing, poking and prodding, etc. I am not cut out for being in a hospital. Leif isn't either, although he did get to help the phlebotomist draw Mama's blood, and he loved that. Maybe I'm crazy to bring my kiddo to my appointments, but he's my pal. I love to bring him.

I did get some funny look from the midwife when I told her that I didn't need HIV/STD testing, and I was turning down the PAP. I don't believe in testing that is pointless and will just charge my insurance and drive up the cost of health care. She was shocked, though. I don't think many people ask what tests will be administered, much less choose which ones they feel the need for. Meh. I love messing with health care personnel.

In Leif news, he is a little boy now. He is not a baby, and while it makes me a little sad, I am also glad he has become so independent. He has been going pee in the potty by himself, washing his own hands and now takes off his own pants and shoes and socks. Still working on the shirt! He is very opinionated, and not scared of telling random strangers what he thinks, in full and complex sentences. There isn't much he doesn't say anymore. He uses big words like delicious and handsome to describe things. He is working on "1000 Books before Kindergarten"and has passed level one, or 100 books. He is such a fantastic little guy to spend all of my time with, I adore him!

In other news, I ordered my chickens today! I ordered 2 Buff Orpingtons, 4 Rhode Island Reds, 1 Auracana, 2 Barred Rocks, and (my fav) 4 Buff Crested Polish and 2 Golden Crested Polish. I adore Crested Polish chickens, they are so funny and beautiful. They will arrive April 29, so I have a bit of time, but I am so excited! Here is a pic of a buff Crested. Look at that fluff!!! AHHHH!

Thursday, March 27, 2014

9 weeks

Because I am inundated with the side effects of growing a human, I have nothing interesting to tell you all, except my symptoms, which I will look back on someday and say, "Oh, it wasn't all that bad!" I am telling you now, future Me: It's pretty fucking bad.

Just to lay it out, super TMI style:
-Nausea, but not just the morning kind. All the damn time kind.
-Extreme hunger. But only for strange, unattainable foods, stuff I never keep in the house.
-Round ligament pain. What's new?
-Constipation. Yay me.
-Diarrhea. My body can't make up its mind.
-Pregnancy-induced allergies. My eyes, ears, nose, throat are all itching constantly, and I have the eternal drip.
-Exhaustion. Need I say more?
-Breathlessness. Seriously, the stairs are killing me, yo.
-Inability to go back to sleep. What a bitch.

That's me. Can't eat sunny-side up eggs anymore, can't get comfortable, can't take most allergy meds.
Such is the life of pregnant me. Can't wait for the second trimester.

Also, this is nice:
Dana Gioia
The world does not need words. It articulates itself
in sunlight, leaves, and shadows. The stones on the path
are no less real for lying uncatalogued and uncounted.
The fluent leaves speak only the dialect of pure being.
The kiss is still fully itself though no words were spoken.

And one word transforms it into something less or other—
illicit, chaste, perfunctory, conjugal, covert.
Even calling it a kiss betrays the fluster of hands
glancing the skin or gripping a shoulder, the slow
arching of neck or knee, the silent touching of tongues.

Yet the stones remain less real to those who cannot
name them, or read the mute syllables graven in silica.
To see a red stone is less than seeing it as jasper—
metamorphic quartz, cousin to the flint the Kiowa
carved as arrowheads. To name is to know and remember.

The sunlight needs no praise piercing the rainclouds,
painting the rocks and leaves with light, then dissolving
each lucent droplet back into the clouds that engendered it.
The daylight needs no praise, and so we praise it always—
greater than ourselves and all the airy words we summon.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Heyo, Nut.

A baby-sized southern pecan.
Today is 8 weeks. I don.t know how I feel. Tired. Not especially pregnant, just worn out. I hope all is well under the layers of skin and muscle and bone. I hope there is a strong little heartbeat that is getting more powerful every day. But you never know, right? You never know how long we are here on this plane of existence. We'll see. No sense in stressing. Just nap. Just read Dune and dream of other things. Take long walks and look out at the duck on the lake. Kiss my boy too much.

I have been having dreams that are hard to see and harder to escape. The kind that will rerun the bad bits, just to make you relive them a little longer. Snakes and deep water and things I can't change. I am trying to rewrite them, but that brings sleeplessness, which is another kind of dream world. I'll try harder.

I would write more, but I am behind. Behind on so many little things. The kind of things that if you ignore them, they will make it to tomorrow, but then tomorrow is harder. Chip away at it, Kate. Get that shit over with. It's holding you back.

More whenever.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Taking one day at a time.

This is why I named my blog what it is. I need to take one day at a time.While I understand planning ahead, I am trying NOT to do that. Here are my reasons why:

-I started bleeding. As I have had a previous unexplained miscarriage, I called up the midwife and had my blood beta levels tested and an ultrasound. I showed to be measuring 5w5d, with levels at 14,000. Normal. within 48 hrs they had almost doubled. Pretty normal. The ultrasound showed a blood clot between the placenta and the uterine wall, which could cause miscarriage, or just be absorbed. Also, pretty normal. Instead of freaking out, I got frustrated. I spent a week frustrated. I have another ultrasound tomorrow to see if we have growth and a heartbeat. If not....well, such is life. I have realized that while it hurts to consider losing another baby, life goes on.

-I am raising two kids right now. That shit is hard. Between mountains of laundry, homework, class trips, library time, making sure they meet their book reading quotas, getting them outside to exercise and play, and breaking up tiffs, I've got enough on my mind. Life goes on.

-I am married. Married life has its own balance. It requires maintenance. It needs love and touch and kisses, too. My husband is a wonderful man with needs as well, and I don't drop the ball on him. He is my lifeline, and we help each other. So what if I need new toenail polish applied pronto? I've got to go snuggle my man. Life goes on.

-I am trying to decide if I am enough of a warrior to stop letting the medical world scare me and just make a decision on having a homebirth. I have been battling the insurance companies enough, and have realized that while they will give me what they want, that isn't what I want. I am not going to go through another birth where I feel pushed around. I need to be strong and let my body do what its made to do. Life goes on.

-I am tired. I have been pushing back against technology lately. Leaving my phone places and forgetting about it. (It helps its also seriously malfunctioning.) I am getting sick of Facebook. Instagram isnt so fun anymore. I want to be a hermit and be left to my own devices...namely not tech-y ones. Weird.

-I want to remember how empowered motherhood is. I want to remember the immense strength I felt holding my newborn and knowing I could take over the world. But right now, I am worn out and in need of quiet. Naps. Pickles. Library books. Cats. Yarn. Things like that. Hibernation sounds good for a short while.

So here we are, at this point in my life. I am taking it one day at a time, quietly. Hoping for heartbeats, spring winds, more love and some peace. Life goes on.